Politics UK: Culloden

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Trash but everyone reads it so you should probably care.

by Kelvin Mackenzie

After a stunning 48 hours of turmoil from Westminster, the Sun Newspaper has been passed a dossier containing bank statements from a secret bank account of the former Conservative Health Secretary William Croft. These statements show that Croft has been making covert payments for the maintenance of a child - who does not share the same mother as his other children.

Indeed, this EXCLUSIVE story, only in today's edition of THE SUN - has seen some overwhelming evidence that Croft's cash payments have gone to the a love child from an extra marital affair!

We at The Sun think it is very poor form for serial rebel Croft to have mounted his pathetic challenge to the Prime Minister in a time of national crisis, but this only compounds it - the yet unconfirmed rumours of Will Croft being involved in the Tory Briefing Wars aside, the outrageous double standards shown by Croft are reason enough to make him unfit for high office - we applaud and commend the Prime Minister for sacking this LOVE RAT.
Former Education boss in bisexual swinger scandal

by Kelvin Mackenzie

Today, the Sun can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that Euphemia Fournier-Macleod, the former Education Secretary under Marcus Drummond-Macbeath and Aubyn Myerscough, attended numerous BDSM and swinger parties across central London involving both men and women.

According to our Sun source, Fournier-Macleod, the married 37-year-old MP for Fulham, attended the secret sex parties with her husband. Photographs passed to the Sun (inset) show Mrs Fournier-Macleod in various compromising positions with both men and women and our source confirms Fournier-Macleod has always been a secret bisexual. 

The source also said that the former education chief considers herself a ‘domme’ (which, for pure of heart Sun readers, is their term for a dominant female) and that she frequently engages in bondage and sadomasochism with her many lovers. 

At the Sun, we think it’s a disgrace that a woman who not so long ago was in charge of our schools engages in such activities in private. We say it’s time for her former boss, the Prime Minister, to take swift action and remove the whip rather than let Mrs Fournier-Macleod continue to hold one in private!
March 1992- We’re With Willy 

With Britain facing a growing IRA threat, and with Sir James nowhere to be found, the British people need a fighter. Those of us at the Sun have found one: Will Croft. 

By Kelvin Mackenzie

Parliament is on the brink of collapse over Europe. The IRA has been found infiltrating Government buildings. Yet the country’s biggest drama is, unsurprisingly, the epic war being waged to determine who will become the next Tory Leader and therefore Prime Minister. 

That war is nowhere near finished. Two of the contenders, Dylan Macmillan and Harry Saxon are both busy fighting their own battles. While Macmillan lays wounded over the Maastricht defeat, Saxon busily sharpens his knives to prepare himself for the next backstabbing. What they both have in common is this: while they are both fixated on running to be the next Tory Party leader, the country is in desperate need of a Prime Minister. 

Enter stage left: the Home Secretary, lovingly known by readers of this paper as “Willy” Croft. It is true that not so long ago, this newspaper exposed infidelities on the part of Mr. Croft, notably by labelling him as a "LOVE RAT".  

You might think that this would steer us away from Mr. Croft and yet at the Sun, having seen his performance over the last year, we say he is a veteran political streetfighter, with the battle scars to prove it. 

In the past year alone he’s served as Health Secretary, been booted from his party for challenging the fugitive Drummond-Macbeath, and then been readmitted and elevated to the Home Office. In an era of British politics where the mighty are regularly falling, Croft has proven he has staying power, and most importantly that he’s a fighter. 

In this gravest of hours, that is what Britain needs most: a fighter. 

That is why this paper is proud to endorse Mr. Croft as the next Tory leader, and as our country’s next Prime Minister. Croft will keep our taxes low, the socialists at bay, and the Queen on our money. 

He’ll lock up the terrorists who threaten our country and who keep families awake at night. He will let the British people petition to recall their MP when they’re failing to do the job they were elected to do. And he’ll kickstart the outgoing Prime Minister’s National Service scheme, cleaning up our streets and giving young people jobs. Those are all plans this paper can get behind. 

Is he perfect? Certainly not. Is he the consummate statesman? Eh. But our readers like him. At a time when Labour is preparing to drag Britain kicking and screaming into the socialist stone age, and the Tory Party is seeing its former Ministers executed, we think it’d be nice to have a Prime Minister we can all get behind for once. 

Let it be known: Mr. Love Rat, we at the Sun love you back. If the Tory Party has any backbone left, they’ll cut to the chase and put you in Number 10.
Shadow Chancellor leaves flowers for destructive Communist

by Kelvin Mackenzie

In a world where everyone can surprise you, it’s reassuring to know that some people are exactly what they seem on the surface. Shadow Chancellor Tommy Dawson, Labour’s hard left union agitator and deputy to Silent Jim, has visited the tomb of Communist hero Karl Marx a grand total of 15 times over the years, both as a student and a trade union official.

The visits, which began in 1966 and went on until at least 1979, saw Dawson leaving a bouquet of red roses each time. One such visit, taken when Dawson was an organising director of the Steelworkers Union, was photographed by a former comrade. The pictures (see left) show a sad looking Dawson laying the flowers, undoubtedly thinking about how he can spread Marx’s bankrupt ideas across our great land.

When Mr. Dawson next bleats on about how Tory policies are allegedly oppressing the working classes, you might want to ask him if he has anything to say about the millions who died under Communism as a result of Marxist ideas.

Or alternatively, you could just show Silent Jim’s hard left mob the door at the ballot box in a few weeks…